Some days it’s best not to get out of bed:
1. I had to. I’m doing the mail route this week.
It’s snowing. By late morning the sky is clearing and by the time I finish the route, it’s a nice sunny day.
2. I decide to wash the mud and dirt off the truck because when I’m loading and unloading mail, I get dirty.
3. I carry an exceptionally heavy hose from the warm crawl space under the house and hook it up. It l furnishes only a trickle of water.
4. Get another hose from the crawl space, a much lighter hose even though it’s the same length.
5. The alarm for the septic lift station starts screaming. Shut the darn thing off and check lift station. Everything looks okay, except the liquid level is too high. Pump isn’t working apparently.
6. Check all pump and control breakers. Use a long weather-beaten pole to move floats. Alarm screams. Shut the damn thing off. Pull mini-splinters from hands.
7. Wash the truck. It looks terrible.
8. Wash the truck again, and wet wax it. Looks better.
9. Deal with the two hoses because it’s still freezing at night.
10. Mess with the lift station again. Call Dave to check it.
11. Think about going litter picking.
12. Decide I better not leave the septic tank full just in case.
13. Get gas pump, suction hose, outlet hose.
14. Pull cord to start pump. It starts. Nine! Shut it off.
15. Try to put suction hose into septic tank. It’s too curly from being curled up in a bucket all winter. Force it down into septic tank with long pole. Pull more mini-splinters from hands.
16. Start pump. Easy-peasy. Shut it off. Very nice.
17. Hook outlet hose to pump and drag other end to leach field inspection tube. Insert.
18. Prime pump and hook up suction hose. Won’t suck.
19. Remember that pump will not pull suction if hose is too deep.
20. Get a large bucket of water.
21. I will put suction end in clean water until it pulls, turn off valve for outlet and hope suction holds long enough to lower suction hose into tank.
22. Figure out how to get curly suction hose into tank: Zip tie suction hose to end of long pole.
23. Get a zip tie from glove compartment of truck.
24. Glove compartment of truck won’t close because it’s too full. Move things around and close.
25. Get things set up to zip tie hose to pole. Can’t find the zip tie.
26. Go back to truck and get another zip tie. Glove box won’t close.
27. Empty some things out and close it.
28. Zip tie suction hose to long pole. Everything’s ready. Pull more mini-splinters.
29. Pump won’t start.
30. Say a bunch of really, really bad words and go in house. I’m getting too old for this crap.