An Open Letter to Tern Lake Luke on February 2

Dear Luke,

Luke? Seriously, we need to talk.

I know you think you have the chops to make it in show biz. I know you’ve been rehearsing so your appearance comes off without a hitch. I understand how much you’ve sacrificed and how much your family has supported you in this dream.

Tough having a cousin in the biz, isn’t it? Kind of lays the pressure on pretty thick. I mean, Phil is BIG TIME. I’ll admit that.  Just look at all the press he gets.

Which brings me to my point. You see any TV trucks around here? You see any thick electrical cables snaking around and tapping into the street lights for power? You see any talking heads pushing and shoving for the best view? You see throngs of people standing in nasty weather, hoping you make your on-stage appearance on time? Yeah, that’s what I mean. Get the idea?

Look, Luke. Here’s what I’m thinking. Instead of emulating your cuz Phil, you should think a little harder about what you want to do. Come up with something more original. That way, you can be famous in warm weather and not have to roll out in the middle of winter.

Luke's back yard

Let Punxsutawney Phil have his day. What kind of name is that, anyway? And what’s the big deal about being a groundhog?

Look at you. You’re a marmot. You’re a much prettier specimen. Okay, handsome specimen. That lovely coat of yours is to die for, you should pardon the expression.

That shadow thing? Luke, let me break it to you. The sun won’t shine in this valley for another couple weeks. No way you’re going to see your shadow today, no matter what the weather. There’s no way they’ll accept Tern Lake Luke as the Arctic prognosticator of how long winter’s going to last. And Marmot Day just doesn’t have the same cachet as Groundhog Day. You can blame that one on Bill Murray.

We’re in it for another three months, shadow or not. So go on back to sleep and I’ll see you in May.  And Luke?  Give a whistle when you wake up, huh?

I’ll take care of welcoming the sun. It arrives on Feb. 14, a day we call Valentine’s Day, and I am so-o-o-o-o-o waiting for THAT kiss.

Tern Lake Luke, would-be winter prognosticator

Luke belly-flopped in the pineapple grass on the highway shoulder.