♫ ♫ Please, Santa ♫ ♫

(I got the melody to “Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas” stuck in my head, and couldn’t remember the title or the original words, so I made up my own.)

Please, Santa,

Don’t come down my chimney,

I’m afraid that you will fall,

The pitch is steep, the snow so deep,

And the rooftop is so tall.

I’ll leave the side door open.

You’d best come in that way.

It’s closer to the Christmas tree,

And less liability.

Please Santa,

Don’t come down my chimney,

It’s a woodstove, don’t you know,

There’s a handle for to seal it well

And the pipe is very small.

There’s a catalytic converter

To burn the smoke away.

It’s not there to break your fall,

But because of EPA.

Please, Santa,

Don’t come down my chimney,

I’m afraid that you’ll get stuck.

The fire’s hot, the coals are deep,

And screams disturb my sleep.

I didn’t leave the milk out,

It’s best there in the fridge,

‘Cause the FDA would sue my butt

If warm milk made you sick.

                        Please, Santa,

Don’t come down my chimney,

 And leave your pipe at home

We all know your second hand smoke

Will shorten my life span.

Methodist Church

There are hand wipes in the entry,

I insist you use a few

So you don’t leave the germs that spread

That terrible swine flu.

Please, Santa,

Don’t come down my chimney

Before you’ve read my blog

It’s there I left my Christmas list

Of all the things I wish.

I put away the cookies

That were on the side table,

Lest the IRS says they’re fringe benefits

And makes them taxable.

Please, Santa,

Don’t come down my chimney

And about your reindeer team?

It’s the  methane gas that they all pass

And global warming.

Inn at Tern Lake

I’ll leave a cup of chocolate,

But it won’t stay hot too long

You can nuke it in the microwave,

If you like it just that way.

Please, Santa,

Don’t come down my chimney,

Just mail my gifts to me.

I’ll pick them up and spread them ‘round

My plastic Christmas tree.